Living in Light

What do we do when things go wrong? I’m not talking about the little things like losing every picture on my laptop, having my neighbor nearly blow up my car by hooking up jumper cables incorrectly, or getting a 24 hour stomach bug at work on one of the busiest days of the quarter. No. Those things seem big in the moment but can all be fixed by the excitement of a best friend announcing a pregnancy, spending time with my nephews (typically getting into trouble by our mothers for being too loud or too wild),

He's FIVE!

You can totally see the "Cheese" face here...

The best guys I know.

meeting one of my favorite authors at a Lipscomb event and chatting with him before the lecture,

 Donald Miller, Author of Blue Like Jazz and A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

and celebrating a one-year Friendiversary with a new best friend.

Mandy and I painting Mason Jars (thanks to Pinterest) on our Friendiversary

In fact, I’d like to just wrap all of that up together into one little package and just call it “January”.

I’m talking about the really big stuff. The stuff that hurts to talk about. The things that make us wonder about life and purpose.  The events that make us question “Why” and “How”. The things that leave us breathless and make us wonder how we can possibly get up and move on from here.  These parts of our lives are colored with hurt and loss and pain and betrayal.

We’ve all been there.  We have all been covered with darkness and in a place where nothing seems to help. Where words seem empty and hope seems distant and loneliness makes itself at home.

Let God in.

Let Him enter into your brokenness and questioning and trials and emotions. He will always meet you right where you are. Don’t try to assign purpose to your disasters. Don’t try to figure things out on your own. And don’t assume that you are alone. You are never left alone in your time of greatest need. You are held. Surround yourself in Him. In your church, your music, your relationships, your dialogue, your prayers. Allow your lost and wandering heart to be lost in Him.

We all have broken hearts that need Healing.  Our hearts are broken, not because of God’s absence in this world, but because we see just how much we need Him in this world.  

“Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light” – John 3:19

The Great Light came into the world to bring us healing and love and hope, but we were more comfortable in our blind, ignorant darkness. And this is still true.  It is easier to live in the darkness. UNTIL. Until you catch a glimpse of the Light. And when we finally turn our eyes to God's light, we realize how badly we want out. We see what we are missing. We see the mess that we are in. We see that the darkness holds only fear and insecurity and doubt.  And we see that the Light holds truth and healing and redemption.  You may be frustrated with where you are right now or longing to be in a new place. Allow healing for where your heart has been, but keep your heart pointed towards where you are going. Towards Light.

The truth is that God does not cause darkness to show His Light.  Instead He has chosen to bring His Light to a darkened world, His healing to our broken hearts, and His redemption to our wandering souls.  This is our desire. That we may honor Him with bright, whole, redeemed hearts. May He take up residence here, take over the places that we have held on to, and take hold of the parts of our soul that we still own.

And we know that Comfort and Healing seem impossible in these situations. But we have faith. And He is a God of the Impossible. He makes Beauty from Ashes. Every. Single. Time. He never fails us or leaves us or abandons our hearts. He holds us close. May our stories rest in His stillness and refuge and strength.

I also know this to be true: I can’t imagine going through the darkness on my own. If you don’t have a best friend who is rooted in faith and grounded by the Spirit, find someone. I have this pact with my best friend. I tell her everything. No matter how awkward it is, no matter how bad it makes me sound, no matter how long it takes for me to get it all out, she gets it all. And then? Then healing has room to make its way in.  When I open my heart and shed light on my struggles and pains, darkness flees. Sometimes it moves slowly, but it is always replaced by The Light. Healing and Light come to hearts that are open. We all need someone to carry us to Jesus when we can’t make it on our own. So keep talking. Keep asking. Keep questioning. But do it out loud. Let someone in. A Friend of God.  And in the thick of it, sometimes you will get tired of the emails and phone calls checking on you, sometimes you won’t want to answer questions, sometimes you will just want to be left alone and forgotten so that you can dwell in your own darkness for a while, and sometimes you will just want to disappear into your brokenness.  But those sometimes moments don’t compare to the always moments of always needing a friend, always needing someone to point you to God, and always needing help and love and courage.  No matter how hard you push or resist, I pray that you have a friend that won’t leave you there. Truthfully, as friends sometimes we will forget something important or say something to make everything worse, but by opening your heart, you are open to so much more than a friend who always wants to be there. You are open to a God who always is. You are never alone.

And when you are open to God, He will remind you over and over again that His love and redemption and Light is steady. Just like the drops of water that just started falling from a vent in my ceiling. Thank goodness tomorrow is February. We all need a new beginning. 

Resolutions: The 2011 Wrap-Up and The 2012 Resolutions

Twenty Eleven just ended. I know what you're thinking... Did Emily complete her half year resolutions?

Twenty Eleven Resolutions - The Wrap Up

1. Go Skydiving. Check!

Read about my free fall experience and watch my video.

2. Make my own pasta. Check!

I was so excited.

I took pictures... 

I planned to share my recipe... (1 cup of flour, one egg, pinch of salt)

I planned to be that girl that overachieves at all parties by making every single item homemade.

But I don't even want to think about those things. My stomach hurts just thinking about them. And I get a minor headache right behind my eyes. They were okay for the first couple of bites, even though the texture was really creepy.  And then I couldn't do it anymore. I dumped the entire pot down the disposal.  The thought of them made my stomach hurt so bad that I just had to go to sleep and hope to wake up with them off of my mind. I get grossed out by food pretty easily, but this takes the cake. Or noodle. Never again.

3.  Get a passport and make plans to use it.  Check!

Well, almost. I have filled out the paperwork and need to go get my picture made. I have made plans to go to Europe in 2013 with one of my besties from college. Yep, the Montana Travel Friend. I'd leave tomorrow if I could.

4.  Attend a coming home ceremony for soldiers. Check!

I have been tracking the Fort Campbell website for 6 months and haven't found a coming home ceremony that I have been able to attend yet. Until just now. There is one scheduled for this coming Sunday (1/15) at 3pm at Fort Campbell.  I plan on being there. Let me know if you want to join me! Technically this one will be completed in 2012, but who's counting?
January 24, 2011 update: I attended a welcome home at Fort Campbell.  See my experience here.

5.  Find a way to volunteer more regularly. Check!

I love this resolution. I have been a Childlife volunteer at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital one night each week since August.  It is absolutely the highlight of my week. You can read more about my experience on a previous post or learn more about volunteering here.

Twenty Twelve Resolutions

So here they are. My 2012 resolutions:

1. Learn how to sew. 

Pinterest will be much more applicable when I am actually able to execute those projects!

2. Hula Hoop a 5k. 

I have a sweet friend that is a professional hula hooper in a hoop troupe, The Spinderellas. She reads my blog, so right now she is finding out that she needs to teach me to hoop walk so that I can complete a 5k. Considering that she has hooped a half marathon multiple times, I think I'm safe. She just needs to teach me. And then do it with me. Please? I called you "sweet"!

On a side note, if you are having a fun Girls Night In or hosting a Bachelorette party or children's party, having a hoop party is so fun! I had my friend come to a Girl's Night a year ago and teach us hoop tricks. We have never laughed that much. It's fun and refreshingly unique for a Girl's Night. Contact them through their website if you are interested in having them host a hoop party for you or do a performance at an event. No, I don't have a business / sponsorship relationship with them, I promise. But I did have fun at our hoop party and I am really sucking up for the whole hoop walking thing. :)

3. Learn a Country Dance. 

These boots were made for dancing, and that's just what I'll do.  Wildhorse, here I come.

4. Read at least one book each month.  

I will read one book each month. You know. The kinds of books that made you a better person. Like these that I just purchased:

Forgotten God by Frances Chan and Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis

5. READER'S CHOICE!

That's right. This is where you come in. I'm going to let my reader's decide what my last resolution should be. To throw out an idea, leave a comment on my blog. I'll pick one to add to my list. Just don't be crazy. I mean, I will go skydiving, but don't put something like "eat worms". That's not happening. Be creative! Be adventurous! Be nice!

Emily's Top Five: Books That Have Changed My Heart

I rank everything. I always have top five lists in my head of “favorites” that I can likely spout off at a moment’s notice. I keep track of my lists like it’s my job. Favorite Foods, Best Nashville Restaurants, Most Quoted Movies, Favorite Country Songs, etc. It has no limits really. I plan on sharing a lot of my lists with you, so here we have it: the top five books that have changed my heart. They are Must Reads if you haven’t checked them out (literally)!

I must preface this list by telling you that in my past I was never a reader. I hated it. I absolutely never read anything for fun with the exception of the occasional Glamour article in the grocery check out line (or the entire magazine rack when, after I have just finished emptying my entire cart onto the conveyor belt, the woman in front of me whips out a three ring binder of coupons. Go ahead and turn on your blinking light, Warrior in the Tight Blue Vest. We all know we’ll need a manager. Ugh.) But other than learning priceless information like I am a “Spring” even though I would have guessed “Fall” and am best dressed in jewel tones even though my closet is full of black, I never read anything of much interest or value.

In my condo, bookshelves are used to hold decorations, not really too many books. Get my jist?

Last summer however, my Dallas Friend kept talking to me about a book series she was reading by Karen Kingsbury that I just had to read. At the same time, my Birmingham Friend kept asking me what I had been reading. She gave me a million book suggestions. When she realized that I was still not reading, she actually started mailing me books. Guilty. I broke down and started reading. Once I realized that no one cares if I can’t identify how the syntax contributes to the overall theme of the book, that lifeless books can be stuffed right back into the spare closet with my winter boots and high school diploma (oops), and that when I read at night I actually don’t have to physically hold my eyes open to finish a chapter, reading took on a whole new meaning.

My Reject Pile. I literally had to move furniture to even get to this part of my closet. Yard sale soon?

It was quite the revolution, actually. I now usually have about two or three books going at one time – usually a girly, chick flick book (which I call Beach Reads) and a couple of devotional books of some sort – so that something is bound to fit my mood. And since I only actually finish about half of the books that I start, the Nashville Public Library is my new best friend. Plus, they let you check out magazines! And with self check-outs on the rise, how else could I keep up with the Kardashians? I recognize that I could get a kindle and download my books instantly, carry multiple books in one little hand held device, yadda, yadda, yadda, but when was the last time you took a big deep inhale of your snazzy electronic device and thought “That smells incredible.”. Point proven.

So here they are (in random order)…
Top Five Books that Have Changed My Heart:

1. Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Break out your highlighter and favorite ink pen because you will fill up these margins in a heartbeat. I love this book because it challenges both the way that I recognize God’s love and the way that I love others. I literally filled this book with notes and prayers and thoughts. One of my favorite things about books like this is that now that I have read it from start to finish, I can pick it up, flip to any chapter, skim through my notes and the text and be encouraged all over again. Do yourself a favor and pick up two copies. Once you read it I know you will want to give the second to someone you love.

2. Captivating by Stasi Eldredge
This book carried me through the college years and is a great read for any woman, but especially a 15-25 year old still learning and discovering who she is. The premise of the book is that every woman embodies the beauty of God. Beauty is not what we conjure, but what we reveal when we let our defenses down. One of my favorite chapters highlights the fact that we are all playing an irreplaceable role in a Great Story – a role that no one else in all of time could ever play. We are all written into His story, and the real tragedy comes when we choose to not play the part He created for us. (And we all know that I am a sucker for a good story.)

3. If You Want to Walk On Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of The Boat by John Ortberg
Okay, seriously. Don’t ask me what this book is about. I mean, I could guess, but I honestly don’t remember. But the reason why this book changed my heart is because when I was 14 my Bible teacher gave me his copy of this book to read. I actually read it (shocker) and it was the first Christian book like this that I had ever read on my own. I grew up going to church three times a week and attended a private school with Bible classes and chapel every day, but it wasn’t until I read this book that I took responsibility for my own faith. It wasn’t so much the content as it was the fact that I “felt like a grown up” and actually read a spiritual book for myself and not for someone else. I don’t remember the book, but it changed my heart and was a building block towards a personal faith.

But don’t let me stand in your way. You should read it. If you do, let me know how it is!

4. My Bible
I don’t want to sound like a cliché, so I won’t just say that it changed my heart, but I will tell you just one small example of how. Lots of things changed in my life in 2009. Some of it was great, some of it was hard, and some of it was just life. But on New Year’s Eve that year I decided that 2010 was going to be different. Yeah I know, I hate clichés, but I did decide to make a New Years resolution that I would actually keep. Who actually runs three miles a day? Not this girl. Come to think of it, I'm not too sure I have never done that. And since I am a marketing gal, of course I branded my resolution. It was “New Year, New You, New Do”. So on New Year’s Eve I cut off 13 inches of hair to donate to Locks of Love. Note to self, short hair makes my face look really round. Still worth it. I also decided that I would read my Bible every day, journal about it, and in that journal write one thing that I am truly thankful for each day. Now, I am a perfectionist, so at 3am on day 18 when I woke up on my couch and realized that I had missed day 17, I wanted so badly to go back and fill in the day so that there wouldn’t be any gaps. But I didn’t. I decided that there would be no pressure. Miss a day? Okay. Only make it through two verses? Sure. Some days all you are thankful for are puffy cheetos? That counts. Who doesn’t love orange fingers? Anyways, I was surprised by all of the things that I was reading that I felt like I was reading for the first time. One of the moments that changed my heart was when I was reading through the book of Luke. I had fallen so in love with this Jesus “character” and was enthralled with his journey and progression through the book. When I got near the end of the book, I intentionally started only reading a few verses at a time because I was scared to get to the part that I new was coming all too quickly – his death. I was in love with Him in a whole new way and didn’t want to get to the “tragedy”. So one brave night I snuggled under my Granny Quilt and cracked open my Bible to the final chapters. I made it through the torture and the death quickly but painfully. I was hurt and heartbroken. I wanted to finish the book, so I turned the page. There they were – words in red, accompanied by soft sobs and a steady stream of tears. In that moment the resurrection was more personal than it ever had been before. It was true, raw, unadulterated HOPE. He lives.

One of my favorite things in the whole world - My Granny Chair with My Granny Quilt.

On another note, take your Bible and make it YOURS. Just like I jot things down in the margins of Crazy Love, I find that underlining, making notes, and asking questions in my Bible makes it personal, meaningful, and challenging.

5. He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: A Memoir of Finding Faith, Hope, and Happily Ever After by Trish Ryan
This was a book from my Birmingham Friend. I made it through about 45 pages before I put it away… for, like, a really long time. (Yes, I can type the word “like”. I do what I want.) But she begged me to push through and finish the book. So glad I did because I loved it and even read her next book “A Maze of Grace”. He Loves Me is a perfect book because it is a Beach Read and a Christian book all rolled into one. It is a first hand account of how Trish found God and found love in the craziest yet most practical of places. I am in love with this book. In fact, I might just read it twice! Now that’s saying something!

As a side note to my Dallas Friend, yes I did read the Karen Kingsbury novels that I just had to read. In fact, I am on my ninth Kingsbury book. I adore that series, but it is hard to add a collection of books to a Top 5, ya know? Want to read her stuff? Skip the stand alones and go straight for the first Baxter Family “Redemption” series. Sometimes they are a bit dramatic and corny, but I love the characters and the messages.

So there you have it, five books that have changed my heart. Have a book that changed your life? Have a book that you think I need to read? Let me know. It will go on my list! And if anyone even dares to suggest things like Lord of The Rings, Twilight, Harry Potter, or anything else in those genres, you 1) clearly don't know me and 2) are welcome to come shop in my reject pile.